*I wrote this one weekend a while back and just let it sit… but I wanted to revisit the topic as we move into the holiday season.*
My toddler is far less verbal than my first kiddo but one thing that seems perfectly clear is “No”. He has always been interactive and communicative in his own way and understood everything you say but words haven’t been his strong suite. The toddler just turned two in August and has really come into his own at expressing his clear disagreement with “No” clear as a bell. In fact he has multiple “No-s”.
There is “NOOOO” with a angry vibrato and deep conviction. “Hey buddy we will need to finish up playing so we can go home soon.” With frustration and anger his whole body will growl “NOOOOO!”.
Then there is the annoyed, how dare you ask “No- aah” with a little toddler sas. “Did you want to play with this toy?” Then the clearly “you don’t understand my preferences and desires Mother” response of “Noo-ah”. This is also a popular response when the suggestion of a nap is made.
The final most distinct variations is the quick, sharp “No” or “Nope” which is done when he is just too busy and needs to get us out of his hair. While he is busy running around outside, we might ask “Do you want some water?” and without much acknowledgement as he sprints by “No” and he is gone.
That is in stark contrast to my “No-s”?
“We will see.”
“If I have time.”
“I will think about it”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so.”
“I am not sure…we might have…bla…bla”
There is the “Well actually, umm…”
Or the ignore the request until it hopefully just magically disappears or they forget to ask again…
I was wisely told “Let your “Yes” be “Yes” and your “No” be “No”.
Simple enough but it really isn’t. I had to really reflect on how many times my brain and body are screaming “no” but out of my mouth comes some wishy washy answer that implies there might be a chance.
This is pretty evident with my kiddos. The question goes “Can we do X after supper?”. By all accounts there is no way on Earth we are going out after dark to hunt coyotes while sleeping under the sheet they fashioned as a tent when the temperature is 32 degrees. So instead of a “No, let’s do this instead” I say “We will see….” See about what Jessie, about the temperature suddenly warming 40 degrees or the spring equinox coming back around to extend the day light.
Saying “no” is hard because it makes me realize in saying no I might disappoint someone or create conflict that would be easier to push aside.
Saying no is really an art to balance your own personal happiness and joy and the requests that seem to never stop some days.
I am not an expert (far from it) at saying “No” but here is what I am working on:
- Priorities: What do I value? They say you make time for what matters so instead of pushing off requests and invites either they matter enough to say yes or the honest truth is I have other priorities. I realized that the only person I am truly not replaceable to is my family. A client may say they adore me but the reality is they will get their needs served elsewhere if I should drop off the Earth or even just be unavailable for a simple day here and there.
- Am I just being nice so I get praise and attention? What is the reason I am saying yes. Will it really bring joy or am I doing it for someone’s else’s approval and attention.
- Will saying yes now create a precedence for the future that I am not prepared for. This happens with my kiddos a lot…but yesterday you said we could have ice cream at 11pm
- I can say “No” and that be OK. I don’t have guard anyone against the disappointment or emotion that may come with that sacrificing my own feelings.
….How do you say “No”? Are you a “No” means “No” person?